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Money can buy a House............But not a Home
Money can buy a Bed..............But not Sleep
Money can buy a Clock............But not Time
Money can buy you a Book.........But not Knowledge
Money can buy you Medicine.......But not Health
Money can buy you Sex............But not Love
So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering. So send me all your money..........
And I will suffer for you.
The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation.
The most successful female investor was Pharaoh’s daughter. She went to the Nile bank and floated a prophet.
I saw a bank that said if offered 24 Hour Banking." But I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time.
A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.
Always play with other people's money!
The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
Q: How to make a million in the stock market?
A: Start with two!
Q: When does a person decide to become a stockbroker?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
A chemist, an engineer and an economist are stranded on a deserted island. They carry with them some canned food but have no ordinary means of opening the cans. The chemist suggests gathering some wood and starting a fire and then holding the cans over the heat, counting on the expanding contents to burst open the cans. The engineer thinks it would be better to try smashing the cans open with some of the rocks lying around. The economist begins, "Assume we had a can opener..."
At 18 years old, Rockfeller had no money. He found an apple in the street. The fruit was dirty he cleaned it and resold it 50 cents to a man walking in the street ... with his 50 cents he bought 2 apples 25 cents each, and resold them 1$ to another man walking in the street ... with his 1 dollar he bought 4 apples, and resold them of course 2$ ... at 19 years he inherited from his grandmother...
A woman proudly told her friend, "I'm responsible for making my husband a millionaire." "Well what was he before he married you?" the friend asked. "A billionaire."
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father,Just think, Fred, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand. Good, my dad quickly replied. Wash it again!
A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, "How long is 10 million years to you?" God replied, "1 second." The next day the preacher asked God, "God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?" And God replied, "A penny." Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, "God, can I have one of your pennies?" And God replied, "Just wait a sec."
There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the investor, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and then decided. QUESTION: Who did the investor marry? ANSWER: The one with the biggest breasts
You must realize that a person's net worth can't always be measured in dollars and cents. Sometimes it must be measured in pounds and shillings. (Especially if the person lives in a pub.)
A stockbroker was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered no to the question. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the stockbroker answered it "Never got caught."
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